THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF FRIENDSHIP
Autumn lands in complex ways for me. I love the explosion of colors. I love the smells. I love the ramping up of social and cultural gatherings, the relief of not having to keep an eye on the garden, and the crazy Halloween party on my block in Chelsea.
On the flip side, I miss the long, light-filled days of summer, wearing t-shirts at night, walking to the gym and back without needing a locker room change, and barbeques and fruit pies.
Autumn is also a time when I find myself contemplating friendships, asking myself how the people in my life are filling my cup (and hopefully vice versa).
I value friendships immensely (who doesn’t?!). And I know that having deep friendships requires tending to them intentionally. So I thought I’d share the qualities that I see as essential to maintaining a meaningful friendship. When I find a connection that embodies these qualities, I hold on strong.
A Sense of Trust: Trust is so foundational to close friendships. Suffice it to say, you’ve got to know that you can trust your friends with confidences, with your vulnerabilities, and with the unspoken belief that they will have your back when needed.
Consistency of Engagement: Friendships take work. The deepest, most active friendships take committed engagement. This usually means time in each others’ presence on a regular basis … time that allows you to share experiences and emotions and make meaningful memories as a result. I have several close friends who do not live where I do, and for those friendships it’s imperative to plan time by phone or video to stay connected and bridge the gaps between being in each other’s physical presence.
The Right Form of Communications: This is tricky when we have so many options for connecting. My experience is that friendships require regular spoken communication and physical presence to flourish. This may seem obvious, but with "lite" options like texting and social media, it is too easy to let friendships slip into a mostly digital engagement that, in my experience, slowly chips away at the foundation of the relationship. Use texts to let people know you’re thinking of them, but if a friendship really matters, tend to it with conversation and connection that allows you to share laughter, tears, fears and stories in a far more detailed way than e-communications allow.
Sharing Joy: Sure, we lean on friends in hard times. But being able to laugh and let loose is the icing on the friendship cake. All of my closest friends are joy-givers for me, and I think they'd say the same in reverse. This joy doesn't have to look like doubled-over laughter. But it does need to feel like a lift, an elevation. When I think of the friendships that elevate me the most, they are the ones that leave me somehow lighter, happier and more optimistic after we connect.
So here's to transitioning into fall (and soon, winter), and to nurturing your most important friendships in the months ahead. It's a great time to do so.